Musings of a Basement Resident

One does a lot of thinking when cooped up in a room with COVID. One does a lot of thinking or a lot of avoiding. I've tended to do a little thinking and a lot of avoiding. I've felt outside of my body. I've felt faraway from reality. Living in the basement and watching the sun rise and fall through little slats in your window and listening to the steady sounds from the ceiling above you from your roommates, you loose track of reality quickly.  What day is it? What time is it? 

My roommates have been so sweet to feed my dinner, leaving it on the stairs for me and then taking away my dishes when I'm done. Vanessa sent me a little very much needed package and my coworker sent me the very best care package at the beginning. It's been 8 days since I was exposed and haven't left the house for but maybe a little quick errand or to pick up food. I'm feeling restless. Last night, I played Minecraft till almost 2 in the morning because I didn't want to feel the loneliness or the heavy thoughts threatening to come. Finally when I did sleep, I woke with restless, frightful dreams. The night before, I sat, holding onto my awful NyQuil and tried to talk myself into taking it. I've had countless people texting me and checking in on me so that is a blessing.

I've had many thoughts about why the Lord has protected me from some things but not others. Why it seems like He's let me go and why has He not persevered these very dear friendships that mean the world to me? Am I bad person, am I not deserving of good things in life? Not just good things, but things that I desire? Do my desires not matter?

These are all very heavy so I've been doing a lot of avoiding and watching TV, playing Minecraft and sleeping, because I just don't want to have any more thoughts on the matter. There's this huge void I'm feeling right now, like a big part of my life, a big part of me is missing and I don't know if it will come back. I'm taking a day at a time. They say you find yourself in your 20's but I hate that phrase. I think you spend your whole life finding yourself because you are constantly evolving.

Tomorrow, I can go out into the world again. I can't wait. I need to start mentally preparing to jump back into my internship. I have laundry to do and my room to disinfect and clean, groceries to buy and food to cook. I'm blessed because Beth said I could take half days if I need. I might need that but also, the more time I take off, the longer I'll be here in Colorado and I'm so ready to get back.

I thought these images described my thoughts this past week very fitting. Some so gentle and subtle while others screaming and yelling at me.

All my love,

Grace Kathleen