Let the Rain Come

My heart is ever so sad. I had this whiz of energy when I got back to the house after work and was like a mad woman dusting and packing and taking some things up stairs to the guest bedroom where I'll be spending the last two months of my time here. I did three loads of laundry and slapped a Margarita dairy-free, gluten-free pizza in the oven and was ready to sit down and enjoy it and then it hit me. A wave of sadness. When the waves come, I don't know what to do but sit in it and feel all the things. I feel powerless and desire-less to try and move and get out of it.

Today, I took it slow. My supervisor is out with COVID so after our zoom meeting I spent some time practicing the guitar and then after lunch I went and made one visit. The sun hit me like a ton of bricks. I live in the basement so after a week of no sunlight, it was blinding. During the visit, after singing 4 songs and talking, my voice was already done. I wrote up a note and went back to the house. I read some of an article and soon became so sleepy. Determined to not let my day be done already, that's when I became a mad woman. I'm telling you the minute I stop, it's like all the emotions that I just don't want to feel, they hit me. Even now. 

I don't know how to handle it. I'll have to find a way though. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I did reach out to my fellow intern buddy and hopefully I'll get some time with her this week. Maybe she'll help me move upstairs or something. The 20th is when I have to be out of the basement completely. 

I read something tonight that really brought the sadness to head. It brought old memories and past and current hurts up. It was hard to read but I knew it was a good thing for me to read. I knew it was a good thing to have been written.

I'm trying to stay positive. I really am. I finally did move and took a shower and let the hot water wash over me and cleanse me. I really, really wanted a bath but the shower was still good. It did not take away the sadness but it helped and I tried to remember what is true as I stood under the warmth and contemplated my life.

I don't want to do tomorrow but I must. I must keep going. Besides I get to go on one of the sweetest visits tomorrow. That should be something to look forward to. Maybe I should just stop avoiding and let the rain come. That's what I used to do as a child. When the rain came, I would stand in it and let it wash over me. The thunder couldn't touch me, I was not afraid of the lightening. Maybe I should try that. Just like a child. Let it come. It can't touch me.

With my heart and soul,

Grace Kathleen