Hopeful Soul

Work is moving along on the basement kitchen. I'm a little sad because I won't get to use this new kitchen that is currently all over the floor of the basement. Awe well.

Today I was very brain fatigued and couldn't keep it together for very long. At my meeting this morning, I was all over the place and when I was supposed to report for Beth I totally forgot. Michelle had to help keep me on track. We help each other out though.

I didn't eat lunch till 4:30 so I feel like I could fall over. I don't usually do that and am not sure how it happened except that I got back to the house early and had a work phone call and then a note to write and then decided to run and get groceries while Austin was working on the basement and totally forgot that I hadn't had lunch. Not doing that again. I have successfully restocked my pantry though and will have food for the rest of the week.

I'm hopefully having Michelle and her friend over who's in town on Friday for dinner. Except now, I'm not sure because if dust and cabinets are all over the floor I might not get to have them over. We shall see.

Right now I just feel very tired. I just want to sleep. I kept waking up in the night. I was so tired right at 10 but then couldn't fall asleep and then woke up like three times. And my back has been tempting to fall out because of the many days I spent in my bed without proper back support. I prayed though and was able to stand up straight for the whole day with minimal pain.

I prayed today in general and told the Lord that I want that relationship that I've lost. I told Him I don't want to be mad at Him or distant. I think that's a positive step. He has always been a comfort to me. I was able to realize though that although there's been times when I felt close and connected with Him, it was nothing like I felt with my best friend. For the first time I had somebody who made me feel like I could be good at life and that I could do bigger things than my small mind was leading me to believe. I felt supported and cared for. I guess I just want more from the Lord. I want to feel that with Him too because that's the way it's supposed to be right? I don't know if that's possible.

The other thing is I still don't feel like I matter to the Lord. Not really. I don't feel like my desires really matter. I just can't serve a God where I don't feel like I matter. There is plenty to work out with Him. I guess that's the point. I have to work it out with Him and not by myself so I have to talk to Him. I have to be open to talking with Him. Like a child.

Anyways, that's pretty much my day. I'm going to try and stay awake for as long as I can, eat some more food at some point and then have an early night of it. I wish I could say all the things that are welling up in me but I know that I can't. I must find a way to be ok with what I've been given. The life that I have now. I don't really want to waste it by being depressed all the time but sometimes it feels easier than trying to feel otherwise.

From one hopeful soul to another,

Grace Kathleen