Tea Kind of Morning

Period hit hard this morning. I'm thankful for hot tea and chocolate covered granola bars when you need them. Yesterday, I had some leftover Crio Bru that I had refrigerated. I added chocolate syrup and almond milk and it was the perfect iced hot chocolate.  I've been craving chocolate like crazy of course. 

Dinner with Michelle was really nice. The turkey burgers were scrumptious and cooking again for a friend was so enjoyable. We talked a lot about feminism and the worlds view on beauty and how messed up it is. We talked about shaving standards and botox and our bodies. Why is it that people assume so many things about you and don't even know you? Or why is it that our mothers were dieting, determined to lose weight instead of excepting their bodies? How is it that shaving is the standard to being feminine and that having hair, besides the hair on your head, is considered gross or that you're not taking care of yourself? I think it's all bonkers as Alice would say.

Although I do understand that it is very easy to make inferences and draw conclusions about people based on your culture and how you were raised, genetics passed down to you and the what you've learned from society pressures all around you. You even do it to yourself. I find because of the way I was raised, it's engrained in me to dislike any extra fat on my body and want it to be gone or to feel more masculine when my eye brows start growing in. I don't agree with this but I do have to fight against the thoughts that come in to disrupt what I believe vs. what I've been trained to believe. 

Anyways, I highly enjoyed our conversation and I'm glad I have Michelle. She can come over anytime! Although I can't help missing my best friend and remember all those conversations we had late into the night. I miss how we could talk for hours and hours and never grow weary of sharing that time.

Bellman & Black so far is a wonderful book and I love that the chapters are short so I can speed through them or find stopping places where ever I go. Young William has been working at a fabric making factory but was just let go for getting in the dye cabinet that was specifically off limits. Although, I suspect that Mr. Lowe is doing something fishy and William just stuck his nose into Mr. Lowe's business. I'm excited to keep reading.

A sadness has come to stay. I'm not sure what waits for me in the future and honestly it scares me. I miss people and things and although I try to hold onto hope and sometimes I fear the heartache that might lie ahead for me. I fear hard conversations that lie ahead and possible loss. I'm moving forward, I'm doing what I need to do, I'm processing when I can, I'm praying, I'm seeking out people and finding community in these last weeks, but I'm consistently sad. Maybe it's just period talk. Maybe next week will be different.

This morning I’m very proud of myself. Usually I’m thinking ill of myself but not today. When you, of all people, find it hard to make visits, it’s easy to be hard of yourself. And then you start finding it easy, it’s a hooray moment. This morning as I pulled my bag and guitar over and over out of the car, now that felt hard. I say, you are amazing Grace. You really are doing it. You’re not alone. And soon, with all this knowledge, you’ll be a professional. There are the moments when it feels hard. But with kids and adults on my case load, it’s not bad. I’m feeling this could be worse. My whole week is looking up..

It's hot, you might say. My windows are open and yet it's still hot. I want the weather to cool before I leave. I really love when it's cool. A little of cool would be nice. It's all my desire to take back some cool with me to TX. My whole life would be better lol..

I think I want to cook dinner for Kat and Alex. Michelle has still been the first one for me to cook dinner for and I loved it so much. I really want to cook for someone else. I dislike you might say, cooking for myself. It's a darling, wonderful thing to cook for others..

I wonder I do, if I will ever get married. My heart wish is to get married but I really don't see it for my future. I think I will have to wait and see. If I could know, who and when, that would be great. Will I know? I want all my future to be read. Maybe if your really quiet, it will come to you. All my thoughts are jumbled up about my future and I wish I could see clearer..

I met with a church member tonight, the last meeting until I get back to TX. It was good but I always want to cry during and after these meetings. She made a good comment that I'm just tired. I think I am. I'm definitely not as tired I was 5 months ago but I'm still restoring my heart, mind and body from being so done with life. I still have some lasting effects from it. It was helpful to be validated. 

All my love,

Grace Kathleen

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