I'm Ready for Home

I'm ready to go home. I sang happy birthday to a resident and visited a resident who seemed mad and didn't want a visit. I sat and listened to an accordion player across the hall with a resident and actively listened and validated another resident's weary, experiences leading to probably depression. This week has been full with hard things and many stories to listen to and respond to. Some days, you just play music and leave and others, there is a lot for the individual to process and you are there listening and apart of that. Some times it's hard to know what to say. You don't want to try and change them or give them advice, just validate. Validate, validate, validate. I tend to want to give them something to hold onto but generally, that's not your job. I realize now, as I'm coming to the end of my internship, there are more deep questions to be asked and as I enter into deeper conversations with the residents, more things come up to process with Beth. It feels good to be feeling more like a professional but it can be more exhausting at first as I step into those shoes. 

I'm ready to jump away and take my 2 1/2 hour drive to Breckenridge. I'm ready for the weekend. I still have 3 more hours to go. I'm spending some time writing on my case study and this post and then maybe one more visit, depending on if they want it or aren't sleeping or something else. You never know. 

I feel all strange inside, sad, depleted a little and worrying. That dream I had is still lingering. It makes me not want to do the trip at all. I know that's silly. It was just a dream but it is highlighting some other reservations I have about the trip. Awe well. It can't be helped. I'm not going to stay home just because of a silly dream. I'm just a little annoyed about it. I guess I don't really want to go on any of my other trips any more. 

I just want to be home. Home in TX. Home away from here. I went through a period, during the first months of wanting to settle in, of wanting to feel like I could make this place feel a bit like home. Now, I just want to leave. I started really enjoying my time here around month 4 but now at month 5, I feel more like wrapping things up as soon as I can. I was excited to hang out more with the three people here that are my friends and I even reached out to my roommates to let them know that it'd be fun to have one more dinner/game night before I leave. I get the feeling it won't happen though. I just have never felt like they've pursued a friendship with me.

I told myself today that it's ok if we aren't friends. It's ok if I don't want to force myself to pursue them when they aren't pursuing me. I truly feel that it is but it only makes me want to leave as soon as I can. I miss Molly and living with someone who wants to spend time with me. I just want to be with my people. Maybe, I need to be more flexible for that not to be the case. What if I get back and Molly doesn't have any time either or Vanessa can't meet or every time I reach out I get nothing. I just feel like I want to fight for more in life. I don't want to settle for less then being with the people who care for me and I care for them.

Thank you dear people for always listening to my rants. This blog helps to have a place to go and put out these thoughts. I feel like crying but maybe that means I need to cry and just release any built up tension. Maybe that would help.

All my love,

Grace Kathleen

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