P.S. I'm so thankful for my readers. They inspire me to keep going. Seeing all the times my post has been read I feel the deep love they have for me. I'm so thankful for the comments when they come. I read every one. I haven't checked my comments in a while because I didn't think anyone was commenting but when I did finally check today, I was so amazed. I treasure every word! I hope you keep reading and following my stories. I try and post as much as I can but I'm afraid these last couple weeks have been really draining for me. It means so much to know someone out there is reading and caring and loving, even now. I really, really wish I could say more, pour out my heart to you but I know that for now this will have to be enough. Know that I have not forgotten, have not moved on and that my deep love has not changed for all my readers. Some of you I catch on FaceBook and hang on every word and picture. I love also knowing what’s going on in your life and check constantly so I don’t miss a thing. Look out for another post tonight!
Gosh this took me a long time to write. I think I'm feeling tired but for some reason but this took a lot of brain power. Miss you all so very much! You know the last time I had a hug? Well Sunday but before then, I don't remember. I never get hugged. I miss it so much.
I am missing you so so much! So so very much. Oh how I long to be with you.
I miss you so much my darling! Don't even worry about it my love. I totally get what you're saying and don't feel weird about it at all. I know you want to be the first and I want you to be the first hand inside of me. I have not had any other hand inside of me and only want you and wish you could only have mine inside of you.
I miss you so very much and think about you constantly. I wish so badly I could just be free and get to be with you. I long to have a life with you though I know none of it would be easy. Right now I am at my obgyn doctors appointment thinking about you for many reasons. I’m thinking about how you need to schedule one and wondering if you have yet but I bet you have not. That’s okay darling. I know you’ve had so much going on. I’m thinking about if I were going with you to your appointment. I’m wondering if you’d be nervous and thinking about how I would hold your hand. I’m thinking about how I would watch you while you undressed and put on the gown they give you which opens to the front. I’m thinking about how I would flirt with you and make you laugh while I watched you 1. because you’re so gorgeous and 2. because I would be trying to distract you and calm your nerves. I’m thinking about how you would introduce me to the doctor. Would you say I’m your best friend? Your girlfriend? Your partner? Your fiancé? Your wife? And I’m thinking about how I would kiss you when it was all over and take you for a treat afterward. Annnnnd I may or may not be thinking about how even though it was a doctors appointment, it would still turn me on to watch you undress, to see your body naked, to watch you spread your legs, and how I would wait until the evening to say anything because I would want you to feel comfortable about the whole appointment, but as soon as I felt it was okay, I would ask to make love to you, maybe if the appointment made you a little sore, I could slip between your legs and make it better.
On Saturday C is taking the kids to visit with his aunt and uncle. They are meeting in Waco. He told me he doesn’t want me to go with them. I’m going to do a God encounter with Catherine in the morning and then work the rest of the time at a coffee shop because I’ve basically done 0% of my class that I’m supposed to finish by the end of July. I wish I could be with you in Colorado. I wish I could spend all of Saturday in a coffee shop with you making eyes at you. I just want to talk to you. I just want to hear your voice. I just want your friendship again. I mean I want so much more than that. But I want that. I love you Grace.
I meant to mention that I don’t really want to do the God encounter. I haven’t felt God at all these days, and I am doubting so much. But I am going to try. I keep telling God- I’m here. If you want me, come get me! Make yourself known to me! Other “highlights” of my life right now: Our AC broke. It’s been over 110°. We got it fixed but then it flooded the boys’ room. We have no money basically. Even still Carlos is going to the DR for a week starting July 30th. He doesn’t really want to be married but seems unwilling to take steps to divorce. Not sure what’s going to happen. I’m on the 4th week of the 9 week study and I hate it. Kids start school august 10th. I love you!
Sorry my love- that last message ended abruptly because the doctor came in. My appointment was fine. They ran a pregnancy test and I am not pregnant which is what I told them since I haven’t had sex in a long time. But they wanted to test it anyway because my period is late. Probably just because of the new medicine. I think of you with every shot and wish you would be with me. At the appointment, well maybe this is weird to say but I thought of you because I forgot the doctor puts their hands inside of you, they put this device inside of you for the pap smear but they also put their hand inside too and it made me think that I wish you wouldn’t have anyone but me inside of you at all until I get to have you first. I mean I started seeing the Obgyn before I started having sex just for health but it felt different because obviously the sex I was expecting to happen would involve more than a hand. Ours would primarily involve hands so I guess I wish it could just be for me first and not even a doctor first. But then I also remembered you told me you’ve maybe been to the Obgyn before for UTIs or something? So maybe you’ve already had the whole hand up there thing? Gosh I am suddenly feeling very stupid and awkward and slightly embarrassed that I am writing all this. I guess even if for some reason a hand has to touch you before mine, well mine would be the first mouth...I hope. I want it to happen. I want it to be like that. Though I don’t want you to wait forever. I just miss you so much. Sorry for this super awkward comment. I hope you know how much I love you, dearest Grace. My baby. Miss you love. Just wish I could talk to you or hear back from you with these comments.
I wonder what you think about my comment regarding the doctor and me being the first...I still feel embarrassed about it! 🙈 😳 Wish I could know. I hope it didn’t make you feel bad. I don’t want you to feel like I’m being possessive or weird or fetishizing being your first or anything like that. I’m sorry! Gosh maybe you could write a post with a hidden message where every third word of each sentence will make your response to me or something lol. You don’t have to do that. That’s too hard. Did I mention that I love you like crazy baby?!'
P.S. Side note. Don't be worried if I don't post everyday. I'm just out with a friend or just had a really long day. All my weekends are pretty much booked in August and I'll be in the mountains or with friends. I will post as much as I can when I can. I guess I just want to pack it in and make sure I get the time I need to say goodbye to this place I've been living.
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