This is 29

This is 29

Filled with new goals and plans to change and be better. Filled with restoring lost friendships, learning how to be open and honest with yourself about your flaws and then open and honest with your dearest and closest. Learning how to let go of bitterness and truly forgive. Learning that you didn't know how to be authentic before because you were so caught up in people pleasing and scared that people wouldn't like or abandon you after truly knowing your flaws. And then you broke free. Free from conceived peoples opinions and judgements to make your own. To find the balance of boundaries and selfless love. You're still learning and failing but you're trying to own it. 

And trying to figure out what you truly believe after years of leaning on others to tell you, is hard work. And you have years of heartbreak and hurt and missed opportunities and skewed ideas of what life is supposed to be. And yet it's liberating. You can do more and try more and feel more and take chances where before you were too scared and frightened. Your now guarded heart is softening and it feels like you will be ok.

You're leaning into your field of practice and building friendships but not with people that you fought so hard for but that didn't fight as hard as for you, but for the people who chose you and want you and are willing to forgive your flaws and remain constant and true. And yet you've learned your lesson. People will fail you and having expectations of them will only hurt you. Learning that you put your friends on pedestals and that they won't always be there for you or be able to fulfill your needs. Things are starting to click in a new way.

Add then there's your faith. Well that's still a work in progress but you're thankful that the Lord never left you and that his work in your life and presence and mark are still evident. You see him in when you read your old journal entries and realize He's been answering your prayers and you didn't see it. He's been faithful to stick it out with you when you've wanted to give up on Him and wanted to throw things and rage. You don't know yet what part He's meant to play in your life but you don't want to stop believing. 

You're running now and going to the gym and processing your grief and hurt and depression that has controlled you for so long. You're recognizing things about yourself that you didn't see yourself. You're self regulating when you didn't know how before. You're listening and taking advice but also trusting your conscience and heart and mind to guide you. You still have strongholds but you recognize them and even when you need a kick in the butt to get moving, you receive it and move. Even if it's only at a pace 4.5 mph and only for 3/4 of a mile, you still move.

You redecorated your room and it's your safe place now. Cozy and inviting and filled with everything you love. And there's new babies and new dreams and you're just thankful. You are still full of anxiety and you are still so behind in a lot of ways, financially, emotionally, but you're learning to be ok with that. You play the piano more now and singing and recording your videos. You're learning you have a passion for grief and hospice and with the help and encouragement from your boss, are pursuing it. 

This is 29. I feel more like my own person now. My own thoughts and ideas. My own dreams and hopes and I"m taking control of that and going for it. Don't get me wrong, I'm still just as weak and flabby and out of practice as before but my mind is strengthening, my will is toning, my motivation growing. It feels good.

Thank you for listening dear journal.

With love,

Grace Kathleen